The Man in the Mirror

It's been a little under six months since I created this blog. Followers since that time might have noticed a lack of profundity in my posts over the last few months.

I've noticed it too. The realization forced me to take a good hard look at myself. I see now that prison has made me a bad person in as many ways  as it has made me better. While in prison, and shortly after my release, I was a very deep and careful thinker. Of course, that's easy when you have no responsibilities, nor many dealings with the public.

All that changed when I asserted myself on First United Presbyterian Church. Shortly thereafter I started working. Then I began to spread my wings in various ways. It was at this time that I began to lose myself. I was too busy to do the deep thinking that earned me the name Supaman in the first place.

I see now that I became the same man that I was before I went to prison. I was acting impulsively once again. The very thing that led to my self-destruction so many times before.

I'm on the brink of throwing everything I've worked so hard to build away. It scares the hell out of me too.

I used to believe I made great changes in character, but the truth is I'd only made temporary changes in my thinking. The new principles I'd discovered via contemplation still have yet to be applied in my daily life. I guess this makes me a hypocrite. That's a hard thing to admit.

I know I've written similar words to these before. I write them now as a form of therapy. Introspection helps me grow. My impulsive behavior is like an addiction. I can't change overnight. I have to constantly remind myself that I can be my own worst enemy. If I allow myself to forget this harsh truth, I will not make it very far in this world.

Just about everyone who ever trusted me has been betrayed in some fashion. All because I allowed myself to forget I'm trying to lead life in a world that is totally foreign to me. I never was a part of mainstream society for such a consistent period of time. I can only live a lie for so long. I know deep down I'm a good person. I sincerely want to make our world a better place. My impulsive behavior has shown otherwise however.

If anyone took the time to consider what my life has been like, and how foreign the functional world is to me, they would understand my dilemma.

But, who has time to do that? Even less actually care to do it. Especially after I shown the worst of my colors.

I feel pretty bad about my situation despite all the things that are going well. I know I have a lot of growing to do if I'm to be a real asset to anyone--which happens to be my primary goal in life.

I now understand why history's great thinkers spent so much time in seclusion. The more we deal with others, the more diverse, compassionate, and intuitive we have to be. This isn't easy for me after surviving a life of hell for 33 years. Especially when I'm pulled this way and that by other peoples' expectations and while I'm confused by so many lusts.

I'm struggling to find a balance now. One that meets my needs as well as those of others without abusing nor exploiting others.

I just thank God for the few friends I have who are caring and patient enough to stick by me now that they've seen me at my worst.

Always real;
Supaman Tion Terrell