Despite all that I've tried to accomplish in the 2 and a half years since I've been home, I find myself back at square 1 in many ways. I've had several jobs that haven't worked out - mostly due to my being different from those I work with.
I don't like making excuses for myself because doing that makes it easier to continue to behave in ways that are detrimental to my well being. Yet, there is a reason for everything. The followers of this blog may recall several posts where I explain what my life has been like after ten years of prison and how I haven't been able to shed the skin I wore before prison.
Change has gotten a little bit easier since my girlfriend moved in. I still have a long way to go. She and I have been living together since February. I couldn't even count all the times she has shown me the error of my ways. Many things I was never even aware of. My biggest problems have been my take no shit attitude and my need to make sure others recognize my best.
The latter can be easily corrected. I just keep my mouth shut and let things play themselves out. I'm learning that I can do my best without always getting credit or recognition. Unfortunately, I still struggle with taking shit from people.
Having been the victim of so much in my life leaves me with a chip on my shoulders. I refuse to be treated with anything less than respect and decency. As far as I'm concerned no one has such a high station in life that they deserve to disrespect or degrade others. Unfortunately though, I have had to work a few jobs that have little structure and no rules about how employees must be treated. (Companies with real rules usually have rules about hiring ex-cons and what positions they may hold.)
Because I wanted to make more than minimum wage, I worked for a few companies that pay more, but who also treat employees like shit. I can't count the times I've had to talk myself out of responding violently to verbal abuse from different employers. Recently I was discriminated against in several ways at a job. It still bothers me that I had to walk away and not extract some form of physical retribution.
I wish someone could help me understand why I must be the bigger man when I have been wronged while the transgressors are allowed to continue to mistreat others.
This is hard because I have been a fighter all my life. If there is anything I hate more than anything else it is bullies. The bosses who cuss, yell and name call are bullies. They do it because they can and you have to take or find another job. If you do it back to them, you will still have to find another job, in most cases.
I fell better having vented. Thanks for giving me a soap box.