Friday, September 28, 2012

Caught Between Me and Love

I supposed most of you who read this are fans from this blogs Golden Age. So, this will be right up your alley.

I'm in a relationship with a beautiful woman. She likes her privacy so I won't say much else about her here. She is relevant to this post because its about my struggles to do well for her in this relationship.

My experiences have left me with a lot of pain and many fears. The main one being that someday I will be repaid for all the evils I committed. I have only been faithful once in my life before she came along. And that time was not do to a lack of effort to get on with other women.

I almost want to laugh when I think of all the things I've shared about relationships. I used to think I had it all figured out. Now I see that I still have a lot to learn.

The biggest mistake we can make is to think of others as a generic collective. Though there are truths which apply in a general sense, thinking about an individual and dealing with them based upon ideas born of an analysis of any subgroup is a definite way to ruin a relationship.

All men are not dogs!

All women are not controlling, nagging, manipulative bitches!

When in a relationship one must invest themselves in learning who the other person is and what that person needs from them. Then they make a rational decision as to whether or not they can be that person for the other in order to have a productive healthy relationship. Then too, we must consider whether or not the other person can be what we need.

Ooh, but then you have to know what you need!

That's where I think I went wrong. I am still struggling in my attempt to identify with the world. Deep down I'm still the hard-nosed take no shit thug I always wanted to be. Yet, I'm trying to deal with others in a manner that will enable me to grow as a person and a business man.

Caught up in my own confusion, I jumped into this relationship when I wasn't ready emotionally nor financially. Fortunately, my girlfriend loves me enough to put up with my bullshit. Which makes me feel bad because it's a very hard thing for me to have patience with her.

I don't expect to go without problems no matter who I'm with. I just want to be the best thing for her while still being true to myself--whoever I may be when the situation calls for it.


Thursday, September 27, 2012


Despite all that I've tried to accomplish in the 2 and a half years since I've been home, I find myself back at square 1 in many ways.  I've had several jobs that haven't worked out - mostly due to my being different from those I work with.

I don't like making excuses for myself because doing that makes it easier to continue to behave in ways that are detrimental to my well being. Yet, there is a reason for everything. The followers of this blog may recall several posts where I explain what my life has been like after ten years of prison and how I haven't been able to shed the skin I wore before prison.

Change has gotten a little bit easier since my girlfriend moved in. I still have a long way to go. She and I have been living together since February.   I couldn't even count all the times she has shown me the error of my ways. Many things I was never even aware of. My biggest problems have been my take no shit attitude and my need to make sure others recognize my best.

The latter can be easily corrected. I just keep my mouth shut and let things play themselves out. I'm learning that I can do my best without always getting credit or recognition. Unfortunately, I still struggle with taking shit from people.

Having been the victim of so much in my life leaves me with a chip on my shoulders. I refuse to be treated with anything less than respect and decency.  As far as I'm concerned no one has such a high station in life that they deserve to disrespect or degrade others. Unfortunately though, I have had to work a few jobs that have little structure and no rules about how employees must be treated. (Companies with real rules usually have rules about hiring ex-cons and what positions they may hold.)

Because I wanted to make more than minimum wage, I worked for a few companies that pay more, but who also treat employees like shit. I can't count the times I've had to talk myself out of responding violently to verbal abuse from different employers. Recently I was discriminated against in several ways at a job. It still bothers me that I had to walk away and not extract some form of physical retribution.

I wish someone could help me understand why I must be the bigger man when I have been wronged while the transgressors are allowed to continue to mistreat others. 

This is hard because I have been a fighter all my life. If there is anything I hate more than anything else it is bullies. The bosses who cuss, yell and name call are bullies. They do it because they can and you have to take or find another job. If you do it back to them, you will still have to find another job, in most cases.

I fell better having vented. Thanks for giving me a soap box.