Monday, December 10, 2012

Needing You

It's funny that I love you like I have never loved another woman.
I'm more proud of you than anything.
I can't wait to see your face, feel your embrace, make love to your beautiful body.
Yet, when I can't get my hands on you, I do everything in my power to not think about you.
I guess that makes me a bad Lover.
Oh well I never claimed to be perfect.
We could talk on the phone, but every conversation sounds like "Whomp, whomp, whomp."
Why would I want to be reminded that the woman who owns my heart is inaccessible?

I seek distractions.
I feel like I'm in prison when I'm in the house and you are noy here.
I know you feel that when you are here I'd rather run the streets and play video games than give you attention.
I understand the conclusion, but you are not understanding me.
I need you here!
I may not give you all the attention you need nor support.
Still, I am not complete when you are too far away.

All I ever really wanted was to be able to lose myself in love like yours.
The world could stop turning and I would be fine with it as long as we are together.
So, when I can't have enough of you, I shut down.
I feel nothing, want nothing, and want to do nothing.
Every phone call becomes a dagger twisting as it pierces my organs.

Try to remember this love when I can't be everything you need.
I'm just not strong enough to be strong when we are separated.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

We'll See When You're 80

How many times has this mouth angered you and then taken your body to heights you never dreamed you'd reach?

How many times have my deeds disappointed and then turn around and left you in deep euphoric sleep?

What man has ever amazed and delighted you like me?

I'm not gloating. I just wanted to remind you how good I am at some aspects of this relationship, because I know I totally suck at so many others.

It feels like years since I held you in my arms last. I fall asleep each night thinking of the times we've shared.

The good the bad the ugly.

There are so many things I could've done differently, better, much better. I could've pleased you even more, though you always say that is impossible until it happens.

Still, I didn't pay close enough to things you said, nor to how some of my actions must have made you feel. I keep having flashbacks all the things I said that I shouldn't have and all the things I didn't say that I should have. There are also the things I've done that I shouldn't have and what I didn't do that I needed to.

So many regrets. Too many.

I still don't know what it is within you that enables you to love me in spite of myself.

For this, My Love, I thank you. Thank you for taking the time to give me the love I never knew until I knew you. Thank you for being strong enough to endure the storms that are inevitable in a life like ours.

You've made me better already. I can be better still. We're just getting started.

I'll remind you when your 80.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Romantic Monday: Earthly Godess

How can I trust you to be all that you say you are.
To feel the way you say you feel.
To be loyal like you say you will?
I have never known anyone who acts the way that you do.
The way you tell it, you love me more than you love yourself.
More than I love myself.
And loyalty? I have never been loyal to anyone but myself and sometimes, unfortunately, my conscience.
Why do you do things for me that you don't do for you?
Things you know I can't do for you.
I do do what I can do.
But that's not enough to be what a man should do for a woman like you.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm all stages of of evolution all at once.
I look at you and understand how even less intelligent man deduced  you were God.
And then instinct takes over.
I'm overcome with a internal need to prolong human existence and start my new life inside your womb.
Should any beast dare encroach upon the fertile lands I claim as my own he will then nourish the land he traveled to meet you.
I would tame that earth until it bears fruit whose nectar may rival yours in hearty flavor.
I would have those who worship you build a shelter for your rest, My Goddess.
I would raise my club, sword, musket, and machine gun to do war with any who commit sacriledge against thine holiness.
However, I lack faith in that which can not be proven.
I know not which charms have appealed to those who grovel before you.
They seem unaware of my stature in your kingdom.
Had you not belittled your humble servant in their eyes, perhaps they wouldn't be so bold as to challenge me openly.
You would have me believe that I make it up.
Yet I'm no fool.
I know that hearts of man.
I would kill and die for you in the same breath My Beauty.
But you doubt me.
You want me to doubt myself.
How can I have faith in you?

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Sticks and Stones...: A View on the Bully Crisis

I was asked via Facebook to sign a petition. It was called "Arrest Cyber Bullies Responsible for Amanda Todd's Death." Apparently, Amanda Todd posted a YouTube video describing how horribly she was being relentlessly bullied and how the ordeal has put her in a deep depression. Then within a month she committed suicide.

At first, I thought, "Well, It's kinda heinous to bully someone to that point."

Then I thought," Suicide from being picked on?"

Then I got distracted by life and decided to come back to this later. So, here I am.

Between then and now however, I did click on the link that was displayed on my wall. It took m to a cite with details of how it all transpired and quotes from major media entities. The video was there as well. I didn't watch it though.

By the time I found the video I reached the conclusion that I wasn't going to sign it. My reasons:

1. an American's electronic signature won't hold any weight with Canadian police.
2. the bullies parents should be held accountable as well since they reared lowlifes who enjoy tormenting other human beings.
3.Amanda's parents are already suffering and I pray that they will find comfort. However, I question how well they parented their daughter since she turned out to be so helpless at the hands of bullies that it led to her taking her own life.

As far as I am concerned parenting is to blame for the bullying crisis and many others. How could anyone expect the police to handle bullies for us to. Seriously, I'm almost amused at how sad we are as a people.  Some of us don't  have enough self-esteem to be content unless we are abusing someone else. Or we are the becoming the victims who are left so alone and so powerless that we are driven to emotional meltdowns when we get pushed too far.

What happened to good old stand up for yourself. Go to your parents for help. Fight fire with fire. something, anything would've been better than what Amanda chose.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." I've remembered that one since I was about 6 years old. I was also taught to defend myself and to stand up to anyone. Of course, my upbringing wasn't so great in other areas, but a bully was the least of my worries. Once they realize they have to fight you, they go seek weaker subjects.

Last week, while riding my bicycle, I passed at least six children in a two mile path who displayed physiological indications of psychotropic drug use. about half of the kids I saw were obese. Several of them showed varying degrees of social anxiety.  

Too many of us dope our kids up, feed them garbage, and allow the influences they choose to teach them whom they should be (i.e. famous personalities, undesirable friends, fictional characters, etc.)  Meanwhile we chase an individualized delusional version of the American Dream.

Monday, October 15, 2012


Did you ever wake up feeling exited because you knew soon the sun would rise and you will look over and enjoy gazing upon the face of someone with whom you share a love that has made life worth living.

Every pricked finger, paper cut, bloody nose, black eye, disappointment, hangover, heartbreak, not to mention defeat, rejection, and a few unmentionables. Their love makes it all worth it. 

For some this person is a parent, child, sibling or other close relative.  For others it may be a best friend, God, or a lover, a pet even. For some people all of these things can be the same person. It might even be something inanimate like money. That’s your business.

I just wanted to remind everyone to remember to do something nice for whoever, or whatever, it may be. You may have more than one. Please them all, if they are a presence in your life or in your heart that gives joy the kind of joy I felt when I awoke, I beg you to show appreciation in your actions for a significant portion of the day if you can.

Pray, text, call buy of gift, treat them to lunch, write a letter, play a song, Make unselfish love to them. Do them all at the same time if you find it at all possible. 

Just be sure you are a source of joy for them just as they are for you.




Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Seeking God

I prayed last night. I guess it was more meditation than prayer. My life is tough right now and though I'm strong enough to take whatever, I still feel that something is not quite right.

Previous post explain my life, philosophies, and ambitions. Sadly though, I don't feel much like the person I used to think I was when I came home from prison. I guess I now understand that life is constant. Either you grow with life as it transpires or you stay the same.

I made a lot of mistakes in my life and I still make them constantly. I feel good right now though because I have a new goal to reestablish my career and I'm taking the proper steps to do so at a new job.  Before, I was the knucklehead nigga who did whatever I wanted and them pointed the finger at someone else when the consequences came. Now though, my attitude is totally different. I want the business to do well so that I may live well.

This attitude feels kind of awkward. I wrestle a little bit with knowing I'm putting myself in a position to be hated. However, I expect to obtain manager position within 2 months. I expect to GM in 18 months. This means I have to do my part by performing and insuring the store performs in all areas.

Its a simple concept, but its one that some of my coworkers don't get. I feel alone. That is why I had to stop and think real hard last night. I need strength that I can't muster on my own. My woman loves me, and tries to help, but she has her own problems. 

I didn't call on a particular deity, or perform any ritual, I just let the worries that were plaguing me drift into the atmosphere while I pondered what I had to do next. A warmth came over me as I realized that all I had to do was sincerely move more towards being Godly as best as I can. This doesn't change my dislike for institutionalized religion any, but that's a totally different subject.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Romantic Monday: A Love Letter

I just had one of those moments where I wanted to complain about my life. I wanted to revel in self-pity for a while. All things considered, I actually think I'd be justified.

However, I thought about us. I could feel you lying next to me in pail light that fills the room. It missed the whole mood up I was getting ready for.

Right now I'm thinking about the lovemaking marathons we have endured. It always feels so right when our bodies are connected. It's hard to explain the sense of peace that comes when I lose myself in the sensations of your warmth enveloping me. Oh God, what about when it gets intense and we start crushing each other in the need for more of one another. And the pillow talk that follows while we wait to recoup our strength and  start all over again.

But there is so much more to us than sex. I know you think that is all I really care about. Truth is I love you in ways I can't make sense of in words. You have reached parts of my being that I did not know were there.

You give me a reason to keep my head up when I know I'm defeated. You are my reason to be proud when all else is lost.

I'm laughing out loud right now because you give me laughter when there is no hope. In you, I find joy when all of my life is pain. And, even after you have plucked my last nerve and I'm mad enough to cuss, I can't help craving you.

Yeah, I have it pretty good as long as I have you. I have joy as long as I live because I have known you.

I love you!

Friday, October 5, 2012

God Fearing Woman

She said she loves me.
I believe her.
She's sacrificed so much for the sake of our love.
I spent most of our relationship deceiving her.
Misleading her.
Believing I was making it okay by physically pleasing her.
I pretended to be a man with a full proof plan.
It was scam.
Lying to myself and too stupid to give a damn.
What I really am, is a boy in the body of a man.
I never knew a man.
So I can't do man.
I never new discipline.
Nor self-esteem
I was made mean.
Mom and Dad were never seen.
I wasn't allowed to cry.
My emotion were put behind the scene.
She wants me to be responsible.
I find it almost impossible.
I never seen it done since I first left the hospital.
Birthday's were hurtful days.
Hated women cause needed Mommy's love in the worst way.
I only loved once.
Maybe twice.
Only one of those was treated halfway right.
Now I have this one.
She's a Christian.
I don't believe in religion.
How could God love me and subject me to such evil conditions.
She and I are so different.
She is a part of the society that condemned me to prison.
You know the type.
Go to work everyday stay home at night.
Follow a budget, go to church, always treating people nice.
I don't think I really want that life.
But I want her.
I can't lie I look at my life and look her hers and find hers is better.
But the beast inside is how I make her wetter.
And how she knows if I'm around no harm will ever get her.
I speak the truth the way I see it.
Nobody wants that although they need it.
They see we're free.
So why punish me for outwardly thinking outside the box.
It makes me crazy.
My only comfort is my lady.
To make it even better she's trying to have my baby.
Still, deep down, I know I'm not good enough.
She's everything I need.
Who knows, maybe God is showing me he loves me.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Caught Between Me and Love

I supposed most of you who read this are fans from this blogs Golden Age. So, this will be right up your alley.

I'm in a relationship with a beautiful woman. She likes her privacy so I won't say much else about her here. She is relevant to this post because its about my struggles to do well for her in this relationship.

My experiences have left me with a lot of pain and many fears. The main one being that someday I will be repaid for all the evils I committed. I have only been faithful once in my life before she came along. And that time was not do to a lack of effort to get on with other women.

I almost want to laugh when I think of all the things I've shared about relationships. I used to think I had it all figured out. Now I see that I still have a lot to learn.

The biggest mistake we can make is to think of others as a generic collective. Though there are truths which apply in a general sense, thinking about an individual and dealing with them based upon ideas born of an analysis of any subgroup is a definite way to ruin a relationship.

All men are not dogs!

All women are not controlling, nagging, manipulative bitches!

When in a relationship one must invest themselves in learning who the other person is and what that person needs from them. Then they make a rational decision as to whether or not they can be that person for the other in order to have a productive healthy relationship. Then too, we must consider whether or not the other person can be what we need.

Ooh, but then you have to know what you need!

That's where I think I went wrong. I am still struggling in my attempt to identify with the world. Deep down I'm still the hard-nosed take no shit thug I always wanted to be. Yet, I'm trying to deal with others in a manner that will enable me to grow as a person and a business man.

Caught up in my own confusion, I jumped into this relationship when I wasn't ready emotionally nor financially. Fortunately, my girlfriend loves me enough to put up with my bullshit. Which makes me feel bad because it's a very hard thing for me to have patience with her.

I don't expect to go without problems no matter who I'm with. I just want to be the best thing for her while still being true to myself--whoever I may be when the situation calls for it.


Thursday, September 27, 2012


Despite all that I've tried to accomplish in the 2 and a half years since I've been home, I find myself back at square 1 in many ways.  I've had several jobs that haven't worked out - mostly due to my being different from those I work with.

I don't like making excuses for myself because doing that makes it easier to continue to behave in ways that are detrimental to my well being. Yet, there is a reason for everything. The followers of this blog may recall several posts where I explain what my life has been like after ten years of prison and how I haven't been able to shed the skin I wore before prison.

Change has gotten a little bit easier since my girlfriend moved in. I still have a long way to go. She and I have been living together since February.   I couldn't even count all the times she has shown me the error of my ways. Many things I was never even aware of. My biggest problems have been my take no shit attitude and my need to make sure others recognize my best.

The latter can be easily corrected. I just keep my mouth shut and let things play themselves out. I'm learning that I can do my best without always getting credit or recognition. Unfortunately, I still struggle with taking shit from people.

Having been the victim of so much in my life leaves me with a chip on my shoulders. I refuse to be treated with anything less than respect and decency.  As far as I'm concerned no one has such a high station in life that they deserve to disrespect or degrade others. Unfortunately though, I have had to work a few jobs that have little structure and no rules about how employees must be treated. (Companies with real rules usually have rules about hiring ex-cons and what positions they may hold.)

Because I wanted to make more than minimum wage, I worked for a few companies that pay more, but who also treat employees like shit. I can't count the times I've had to talk myself out of responding violently to verbal abuse from different employers. Recently I was discriminated against in several ways at a job. It still bothers me that I had to walk away and not extract some form of physical retribution.

I wish someone could help me understand why I must be the bigger man when I have been wronged while the transgressors are allowed to continue to mistreat others. 

This is hard because I have been a fighter all my life. If there is anything I hate more than anything else it is bullies. The bosses who cuss, yell and name call are bullies. They do it because they can and you have to take or find another job. If you do it back to them, you will still have to find another job, in most cases.

I fell better having vented. Thanks for giving me a soap box.