Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Seeking God

I prayed last night. I guess it was more meditation than prayer. My life is tough right now and though I'm strong enough to take whatever, I still feel that something is not quite right.

Previous post explain my life, philosophies, and ambitions. Sadly though, I don't feel much like the person I used to think I was when I came home from prison. I guess I now understand that life is constant. Either you grow with life as it transpires or you stay the same.

I made a lot of mistakes in my life and I still make them constantly. I feel good right now though because I have a new goal to reestablish my career and I'm taking the proper steps to do so at a new job.  Before, I was the knucklehead nigga who did whatever I wanted and them pointed the finger at someone else when the consequences came. Now though, my attitude is totally different. I want the business to do well so that I may live well.

This attitude feels kind of awkward. I wrestle a little bit with knowing I'm putting myself in a position to be hated. However, I expect to obtain manager position within 2 months. I expect to GM in 18 months. This means I have to do my part by performing and insuring the store performs in all areas.

Its a simple concept, but its one that some of my coworkers don't get. I feel alone. That is why I had to stop and think real hard last night. I need strength that I can't muster on my own. My woman loves me, and tries to help, but she has her own problems. 

I didn't call on a particular deity, or perform any ritual, I just let the worries that were plaguing me drift into the atmosphere while I pondered what I had to do next. A warmth came over me as I realized that all I had to do was sincerely move more towards being Godly as best as I can. This doesn't change my dislike for institutionalized religion any, but that's a totally different subject.

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