I won the St. Louis Poetry Slam Wednesday. The link above will take you to the night's highlights on YouTube. This is the highpoint of my week.
I'm glad that it outshines the lowness of my low point. I'm still amazed at the energy others will put into making another look bad. I've had words put into my mouth, insane accusations get believed; and, above all, no one bothered to ask me what my say was about any of it.
I walk away from this with a little shame and a little digust toward people in general. People are stupid, petty, self-righteous fools. That doesn't include everyone of course, but it applies to most, including me sometimes.
I've going through the most drama I've experienced since I've been out of prison, and the truth is it's all my fault. I'm real dumb when it comes to social behavior--a side effect of ten years in prison. I thought several times that I was learning pretty well as I went, but the truth is I was only partially understanding many things intellectually while I was too busy to let these new lessons sink in. In psychology what I was doing is called acting impulsively.
Now however, my stupidity has led to a floodgate of rumors and all types of crazy lies that have affected innocent people. Not only that, everything I thought I stood for has to appear to be a lie to almost everyone who ever trusted me.
But, I made my bed. Now I have to lie in it.
I wish I could change the past, but a wish like that is like spitting in one's hands. It amounts to nothing.
Guilt is a hard thing for me to live with.
Now, some of you may have noticed this post has been changed from the original. That happened because when I first wrote the draft I wanted to write to discover my own feelings. I published it by accident. I didn't realize I had published until I received a call from a concerned friend. At first, I did what many of us do when angry and pointed fingers. Then, after I let all the anger out, I thought more and realized I am responsible for all the problems I've been experiencing.
I upset things at church with my stupidity and was too arrogant to realize what I was doing to all of us. I was told about my behavior by people who really cared, but I just didn't see the truth in their words.
I feel like a real fool.
Many people have been and will be effected by this and I can't say that any of them have done anything to warrant my hurting them. I have betrayed the trust of people who I was too blind to see really tried to love me.
I could give reasons galore, but they would all be excuses and justifications. I feel like an animal. I've acted no better than one while parading around like I never stink.
I can't even bring myself to ask for forgiveness. I'm too ashamed of myself to face these people.
That's all I can write right now I need to calm down.